Look at em’…with their suits, and false smiles, and haughty “I’m a contributing member of society” bourgeoisie bullshit. They’re probably at a conference somewhere in Des Moines, talking about the conference they last met at in Cincinnati. If you’re anything like me (bitter/poor), you resent these binder carrying, name tag wearing, corporate sentries because...in the best-case scenario, you'll probably end up as one. When that day arrives, we'll need something to distract us from the mind numbing tedium of our jobs. So, in that spirit, I'd like to make a few suggestions for how you can disrupt this civil, productive conversation pictured on the right....
For the purposes of this list we'll name the man Ted, and the woman Janet. Ted is from Accounts Receivable, Janet is from Human Resources.
- (Sliding up behind Ted and putting your arm on his shoulder) "Ted my man! I can't believe you look so crisp after last night! (look at Janet) This guy right here...how do you get that many private dances in one night and still come to work in the same outfit... they should give this guy an award!"
- "Porn's okay at work as long as I keep it softcore right?"
- "We're out of coffee, someone needs to make more..."(awkward pause) "Janet, I'm looking at you."
- "What's company policy on using the freezer as a temporary sperm bank?"
- "Janet you should know this...is it still sexual harassment if I give her money afterwards?"
- "Hey Ted you wanna' grab a drink at the bar?" Ted: "Um, its 10 am." "What are you, a Mormon?"
- "Hey Janet you wanna' grab a drink at the bar?" Janet: "Um, its 10 am." "So that's a no? (turn to Bill and whisper loudly) I think Janet is a lesbian."
- (Walk up to Ted and slap him firmly across the face) "How could you! I thought what we had was special!" (turn to Janet) "Keep him, he'll just break your heart too."
- "Tell me Janet, as a woman, do you resent Ted for doing less work and getting paid more?" (walk away briskly)
- "So Ted, hows the vasectomy working out for ya?"
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