I was reading the online, humorous news source, The Onion recently and thought to myself, "this is hillarious, why can't I get a job doing this?" Then it occurred to me, you don't need to get paid to do something if you enjoy doing it. Besides the possibility of inadvertent plagarism or copyright infringement, what's to stop me from doing what The Onion does on my own time? So I took the bull by the horns (metaphorically of course, if I get near a bull I faint), and decided to do my own offshoot The Garlic Clove. I figured it works because they both have to be taken apart in layers, and both render your mouth un-kissable. My first fake news article focuses on an overlooked portion of those greiving the recent rash of celebrity deaths.
Chronic Masturbators mourn the death of Farrah Fawcett
The passing of any icon is never hard to swallow, but the passing of Farrah Fawcett has left a particularly painful void in the life of Jake Neeley and his son, Patrick. A former chronic masturbator before he met Patrick's mother Denise in the summer of 1987, now Jake is counseling his teenage son through the death of a masturbation icon.
"I couldn't believe it," said Jake now in his late forties, "I didn't want to. She was the original pin-up girl. I logged so many hours in front of that poster. It saw me through my entire adolescent and young adult life." His son also feels the sting, despite the age difference.
"Both me and Dad are pretty upset," he said casually while trying to nonchalantly put away a bottle of hand lotion on his night stand. "I mean, I know she was a bit before my time, but hey, so were the Beatles. All the girls I look at now who straddle the fine line between photography and porn, they all probably owe something to Farrah."
One of the hardest things about Farrah's death has been that it has, at least in the eyes of Jake Neeley and his son, tainted her body of work.
"I had to take down posters in the rec room, and throwaway the Playboy issue she was in," Jake stated sadly, shaking his head. "My son begged me not to, but I gotta' tell you, the idea of him manipulating himself to an image of a woman who passed on seems disrespectful...and kind of creepy."
"Dad thinks they went out in the garbage, but I couldnt let Farrah go out like that," Patrick whispered, "I'm going to pay tribute to her at least a couple more time before I can let her memory fade like that."
Both father and son worry who will fill that void left behind by Farrah. No one, in their eyes, is currently up to the task of filling such big shoes, or has the hair for it.
"I think we lost a real classy lady there," mourned Jake, almost in tears, "that was a woman you were proud to manipulate yourself to."
"Yeah," Patrick comforted his father, "I mean Meghan Fox is hot and everything, but she just doesn't have the 'it' factor that made Farrah such good fodder for masturbation."
Whatever the fate of chronic masturbators across the nation, many Kleenex tissues will be balled up and buried in the bottom of the trash can in her honor over the next few months.