Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Most Existential Post Ever

I wrote it here. You read it here. Neither one of us was actually here.

Did I just blow your mind dude?

Wait! Don't go yet! I didnt mean it, there's more to the post!

This was all meant to illustrate a point. That point is the frequency with which young drug users are fed misinformation, which they then carry with them the rest of their life. Having formerly been (emphasis on formerly) a card-carrying member of the college/drug counterculture, I can tell you that despite the fact that a stoner will refer to existentialism about twenty times during a conversation, he/she will have no idea what it means. One might think this is an isolated problem, but people are overlooking the drug-induced, faux-intellectual epidemic sweeping our country’s youth.
Before we go on lets clarify one or two things about the drug community. Having not dealt with them personally, I have to exclude injection drug users and pill community from our conversation. Sorry guys, keep reading though. My next post is probably going to be on the importance of sterilized needles and what to do when you’re caught at a rave with no pacifier. Moving on. As I see it, there are three major branches of the stoner community that most people will fit into.
1) The College Stoner – Didn’t smoke before college, won’t smoke after college. However during college…wooo! These people will smoke anything that happens to be on fire at the time. They aren’t interested in drug culture though and temper their drug abuse with a healthy dose of alcohol abuse. When they get older they’ll get married, have kids, then yell at the kids for smoking pot.
2) The Life-Long Stoner – These people will most likely be buried in a casket made of hemp. They started smoking before freshmen year in high school and haven’t looked back since. You can tell these people apart from most because they are skinny, wear clothes that smell like if Petuli and weed had a baby, don scraggly facial hair (if male), there is a 60% chance they have dreadlocks and they are in the process of handing you a PETA pamphlet. The Life-long stoner has accepted weed not just as a drug but as a lifestyle, and will probably end up owning some property in Vermont, selling homemade crafts (candles, preserves, wood-carvings) to yuppies at craft fairs.
3) The “Learned” Stoner – This is the problem group that’s disseminating misinformation across an impressionable young stoner community. These are people who consciously decide to mix a mind-numbing drug and dense scholarly material. They started smoking pot to gain a measure of individualism, but still wanted to believe they were better than most people. At some point in their college career they’ll talk about expatriating to France because of America’s “moralistic hegemony,” but won’t because they don’t speak French and are cowards. The Learned Stoner has never played a sport for more than a year but has no problem labeling everyone that enjoys sports as plebeians. Their greatest crime however is their abuse of knowledge. They’ll pick up the works of Kant, Kafka, Nietzsche, and Kierkegaard without a teacher to guide them and try to interpret it through their juvenile, drug-addled mind. You might ask, “Why do you hate this group so much?” My answer is simple. They enjoy the idea of being intelligent more than they enjoy actual intelligence. That and they frequently misquote Voltaire. Voltaire deserves better than these douche bags.
Perhaps the best argument against weed is that it will bring your children in contact with group 3. However, I still hold strong to my belief that the most harmful substance in this world is ignorance. Keep your kids ignorance free or they might grow up one day and vote for someone like George W. Bush

Saturday, February 14, 2009

The Best Ways: to end someone else's conversation

Look at em’…with their suits, and false smiles, and haughty “I’m a contributing member of society” bourgeoisie bullshit. They’re probably at a conference somewhere in Des Moines, talking about the conference they last met at in Cincinnati. If you’re anything like me (bitter/poor), you resent these binder carrying, name tag wearing, corporate sentries because...in the best-case scenario, you'll probably end up as one. When that day arrives, we'll need something to distract us from the mind numbing tedium of our jobs. So, in that spirit, I'd like to make a few suggestions for how you can disrupt this civil, productive conversation pictured on the right....

For the purposes of this list we'll name the man Ted, and the woman Janet. Ted is from Accounts Receivable, Janet is from Human Resources.

  1. (Sliding up behind Ted and putting your arm on his shoulder) "Ted my man! I can't believe you look so crisp after last night! (look at Janet) This guy right here...how do you get that many private dances in one night and still come to work in the same outfit... they should give this guy an award!"
  2. "Porn's okay at work as long as I keep it softcore right?"
  3. "We're out of coffee, someone needs to make more..."(awkward pause) "Janet, I'm looking at you."
  4. "What's company policy on using the freezer as a temporary sperm bank?"
  5. "Janet you should know this...is it still sexual harassment if I give her money afterwards?"
  6. "Hey Ted you wanna' grab a drink at the bar?" Ted: "Um, its 10 am." "What are you, a Mormon?"
  7. "Hey Janet you wanna' grab a drink at the bar?" Janet: "Um, its 10 am." "So that's a no? (turn to Bill and whisper loudly) I think Janet is a lesbian."
  8. (Walk up to Ted and slap him firmly across the face) "How could you! I thought what we had was special!" (turn to Janet) "Keep him, he'll just break your heart too."
  9. "Tell me Janet, as a woman, do you resent Ted for doing less work and getting paid more?" (walk away briskly)
  10. "So Ted, hows the vasectomy working out for ya?"

Friday, February 13, 2009

Hold it right there Kitty!

You know, the word "cute" is thrown around alot these days...but if you'll look to your left, you'll see something way too freaking cute. Normally I would let such cuteness stand alone, for what can I do to enhance it? However, this picture has alot of unanswered questions, and I'd like to take a minute and explore them with you.
First of all, is the kitty merely being reprimanded for some minor misdeed, or is this the end of a long, protracted hostage situation? Perhaps the kitty went on a rampage, shot up a burger joint and took some employees hostage. Sadly, we've all seen it before. Granted this might be difficult seeing as the kitty would have to make a special effort to get a kitty-sized gun that could fit his kitty paws, but if you note the obvious deviance deep in this kitty's eyes, we can't put it past him. Some might say "Well, thats ridiculous, there isnt even a kitty gun in the picture," to which I have to respond: Of course the gun isn't in the picture! This snapshot was obviously taken after the SWAT team had gassed the area and subdued the kitty. Note the grief that seems apparent in the kitty's eyes. Thats not grief my friends. That's tear gas.
Secondly, while the "rampaging kitten" idea seems perfectly valid we can't discount that the kitten might be the victim. That accusing finger on the right may not belong to the owner. The kitten may have gotten outside, and its common knowledge that kitties love having "foldin' money" on them at all times. Its stupid I know, but then again, so are cats.
Finally, we are forced to ask ourselves this basic question: if you were looking at a kitty, and it did that, could you survive the sheer impact of that much cute hitting you at once? It makes me concerned for the photographer.
God bless, and stay alert for rogue kittens.